It’s so tempting to succumb to the promises of pop culture. We’re heavily conditioned to seek out a “soul mate” who will “complete” us. In reality, healthy relationships consist of two independent souls operating with agency. It’s one thing to finish each other’s sentences. It’s entirely something else if one of you is needy and the other is enabling. Such a dynamic is a recipe for codependency.
Codependency is not a diagnosis. Rather, it is a learned series of behaviors that insidiously cause conflicts and issues that seem inexplicable. Typically, one partner goes above and beyond while the other gets so used to having things done for them that they stop trying. Let’s take a closer look at this shiz:
Common Signs of Codependency
The roles described above aren’t always obvious to the players involved. But the “rewards” they offer are palpable. Both partners can become addicted to their relationship — but for different reasons. This dysfunction manifests in signs like:
- Fear of rejection
- Passive-aggressive communication
- Being unable to set or enforce boundaries
- Intimacy problems
- Worrying that your spouse/partner “really” thinks of you
All of this adds up to play out in ways like this:
- Both partners feel trapped, stagnant, and under-appreciated.
- You know something is definitely wrong but see it as your partner’s fault.
- Meanwhile, you both fastidiously avoid conflicts out of fear of being abandoned.
- Codependent couples rarely socialize and do everything together.
- You feel obligated to keep your partner happy.
- The giving/rescuer partner cannot say “no,” makes non-stop sacrifices, blames themselves for any and all problems, and may resort to controlling behaviors to cope with the unhealthy dynamic.
- The interactions become so fraught with underlying meanings that you lose any sense of what you actually want or need.
Here’s the great news: You Can Change!
To repeat: codependency is a learned behavior, and thus, it can be unlearned. You may have slipped into these patterns because it’s what you witnessed in your parents or other couples in your life. Things do not have to stay this way!
Addressing Codependency in Your Relationship
Here are a few basic but crucial steps to consider:
Embrace Direct, Healthy Communication
Codependency results when your needs are not being met. The best way to shift that scenario is to practice healthy communication. If things have reached a point where this feels impossible, couples therapy is an excellent option (see below).
Stop Trying to Rescue People
On the surface, it can feel like you need to be a caretaker. The skill you need here is to learn how to better assess when to step in and when to back off. The key to this kind of development is the aforementioned healthy communication.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
You can reinvent your relationship dynamic. A giant step in this direction is to practice setting boundaries — and enforcing them when challenged.
How Therapy Can Help
Connecting with an experienced therapist is a proven path toward unearthing and managing the root causes of codependency. Through such a process, you can move toward powerful breakthroughs like:
- Identifying the past experiences that brought you to this place
- Recognizing when you engage in either caretaking or enabling habits
- Naming your deepest wants and needs and create a plan to make them happen
- Learning what healthy relationship patterns look and feel like
- Taking responsibility for your own happiness
- Becoming self-reliant while building self-esteem
Under the counsel of a seasoned, unbiased guide, you can find a safe space to open up and explore your troublesome patterns, figure out where they come from, and how to change them. We at Empowered Connections believe that the therapy room is where major, sustainable changes happen! If you found yourself nodding along as you read this post, let’s talk soon! We are expert disrupters of bad habits and patterns, we’ve got you! You can make an appointment any time day or night by clicking here, or reaching out by filling out this form. We look forward to helping you move away from co-dependency behaviors and move into your actualized self!
