In my previous blog, I spoke about PTSD, its causes, manifestations, and triggers. One aspect we glossed over that deserves its own spotlight is the primal urge among the wounded to make yourself seem as small and defenseless as possible.

When you were a child, did you find yourself often masking your real feelings to win approval from your parents? Or ignoring your own needs out of fear of being a burden? For many of us raised by those who suffer from mental illness or addiction, an essential tool for survival was learning to suppress your inner truth as to not upset or confuse a household in turmoil. Years of contorting yourself into different shapes and sizes to meet the needs of others takes its toll and can result in an adult completely disconnected from their physical and emotional needs.

For someone wired to people-please, even their basic likes and dislikes can be a mystery to them, terrified to contradict their special person even within their minds. When this unfortunate condition is met with trauma, the result can be a near-complete erasure of the self, and it takes some of us years to hear that silent inner voice again, crying to be let out.

What is it about our brains that allow these negative patterns to occur, and why would it ever do this to us?  Last week we talked about the freeze in Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. Now it’s fawn’s turn to show us what it can teach about our body’s desire to protect us from harm.

Fairness or Fawning? Seven Signs of a Trauma Response

The first step in understanding the fawn response is recognizing what makes it distinct from typical responses to fear and embarrassment. We all adjust how we carry ourselves and our manner of speaking depending on the crowd and context, it would be foolish not to. There is a big difference, though, between being cautious in social situations and the painful contortions fawning demands when it orders us to be as small as possible. Some recurring patterns that occur with regularity for those who experience this trauma response include:

• Feeling like there is no “I” in your life when others are around, only a “we”

• Intense feelings of shame and inadequacy when others cannot be accommodated

• Waiting for others to share their opinions before your own

• Immediately backpedaling on a stated opinion once another disagrees

• Being afraid of spontaneity when involving a friend or significant other

• Expecting and even looking forward to the dissolution of boundaries

• Feeling exhausted after every social situation from keeping track of everyone else’s emotions

The human mind has a mode known as the Safe State, the place where rest, digestion, and intimacy are allowed to occur comfortably. This is a primal thing, something that we’ve been trained to detect in others, and while it can be difficult to detect in ourselves, it is often very clear to see in others. Can you remember the last time you saw someone pretending to be okay when they clearly were not? The uncanny disconnect between their words and mannered facial expressions, and the tell-tale body language they could not hide? Ask yourself: what other things might you have in common with that person?

For those who also struggle with moral and rejection sensitivity, it can be especially hard to recognize these feelings for what they are, as the pain of fawning can often be misinterpreted by the self as loyalty, and a commitment to fairness. These things are important values to care about, and you aren’t foolish if your inability to betray these notions has caused you pain in the past.

When Your Mind Is The Scene of The Crime

Fawning is, at its core, a basic type of appeasement. A primal call to abandon whatever notions of pride and agency you thought you had, so as not to offend the figure in front of you who’s now holding all the power. In those moments when we want to stand up and advocate for ourselves, but instead shrink down against our will, it can feel like our reflexes are betraying our own desires and intentions.

Why would the brain do this to us, when it’s ostensibly supposed to have our best interests at heart? As deeply problematic as dissociation is for the person experiencing it, any time you act without conscious thought in a distressed situation, your brain is trying to protect you, either from a perceived danger or the potential shame of what it’s making you do to survive.

The intangible Self is just as much a part of you as your limbs and organs, and your nervous system has a duty to inform you of any threat to it, even if that threat is just the sting of disappointing an authority figure. According to the Polyvagal Theory of PTSD, we rely on the ventral vagus nerve to access the Safe State we discussed earlier. This is part of what’s called the social nervous system, which controls eye contact, voice tone, facial expressions, and other subtleties important to forming bonds with others, and it’s these Safe State signifiers that are weaponized against threats when the fawn response is triggered.

You can’t help if your brain is wired to call upon the vagus nerve when in doubt, but one helpful thing we’re taught by looking at PTSD this way is that trauma is stored in our biology. It is a thing that physically takes up space on a chemical level, and that gives us proof that such things can’t simply be “gotten over.” There is no amount of willpower we can muster to not feel these feelings, which means our inability to stand up for ourselves is not a character flaw but a lack of education and guidance.

Fighting The Fear with Fellowship

Having compassion for yourself and recognizing what is out of your control is a good starting point, but what’s next? Many of the tools we went over last week for dealing with PTSD triggers are effective in moments of fawning, like grounding yourself by taking inventory of your surroundings. If you’re able to, try to spend time alone and reacquaint yourself with your wants and needs, starting small by just being mindful of the natural rhythm of your body. Figure out when you are truly tired and give yourself rest, take notice of what you find comfortable when you aren’t accommodating others, and what impulses arise when no one is observing you. This is the first step to breaking out of the pattern of suppressing the Self by default.

Of course, this is a process that the mental health community has years of experience helping with, and techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have worked wonders for those suffering from PTSD and its many effects. If you count yourself among the millions who have been touched by trauma, Empowered Connections has got you!

Make an appointment yourself here or send us a contact form, and our administrative goddess can connect you with someone who can help teach you to stand up for yourself, not shrink down in fear!