What was the most loving memory you ever made with a parent? If you’ve got one, odds are it wasn’t being taken somewhere special, or watching them make some profound gesture of affection, it was them showing up when you needed it most. When we’re kids we tend to focus on what they’re like to be around, the things that might be fun or annoying about their personality, but as adults what we’re left to consider are their actions. We have to face the cold, hard truth of whether or not they were there for us.
Though many don’t live up to this responsibility, the role of a parent is to help their child navigate the minefields of childhood and adult life. It’s not breaking news that kids need good parents, but it’s also been proven by decades of research that a positive, engaged upbringing is a direct factor in a child’s brain growth and emotional development.
After all, if you never had a strong emotional bond with a parent, how can you begin to wrap your head around vital concepts like “security” or “intimacy” as an adult?
We See The World Through Our Parents Eyes
Some of us take for granted that the earliest experiences with our parents are sharing our desires and fears unselfconsciously, taking them along for the ride as we explore what’s around us and within ourselves. They laughed with us, answered our endless questions, and prepared us for how difficult things would be when we got older.
Unfortunately, this is not a universal experience. Many don’t receive this early encouragement and guidance, and they’re left feeling lost in the endlessly complex world of adult relationships. Even if this doesn’t sound like you, we’ve all had a bad experience with someone who left us wondering if they were raised by robots. For all intents and purposes, some might as well have!
Like most creatures, humans primarily learn by example, and to understand the fundamentals of life we must first see our elders navigate the demands of their own lives, ideally with a level of maturity and cunning we can aspire to. No one wants to become the spitting image of their parents, but without seeing early examples of how to exist in the world as something other than our present selves, we can’t imagine a future where we may grow or change. They our own personal roadmaps to the different ways of being available to us.
If this seems like too grand a task for even the best parent, studies have shown that simply educating yourself on your child’s early development and respecting the power you wield is enough to have a profound impact on their future!
5 Lessons Of The PRIDE System
Let’s talk about that power for a moment, because the influence we have over young minds can be paralyzing to consider. Sometimes it feels like anything you say is the wrong thing, and even your most well-intentioned actions can have unintended consequences.
Even if you’re not a guardian, a helpful standby for having positive interactions with young children is the PRIDE System:
- Praise Appropriate Behaviors: Giving positive feedback on specific things they are doing correctly, instead of just generalized “you’re a good boy/girl” talk. Children often take vague praise or criticism as a comment on who they are, rather than what they’re doing, so it’s important for them to understand early on that your love for them is secure and unchanging, even when your feelings on their actions may shift.
- Reflect Appropriate Talk: Children are strangers in a strange land, and even interactions with others their age can leave them feeling confused about how they’re supposed to act. Some of the best validation a child can receive is a parent speaking to them on their own terms, in the kind of language they would use. If a kid says, “I like spaghetti,” a simple reply like “The best part of spaghetti is the noodles!” can mean the world to them.
- Imitate Appropriate Play: Double goes for mirroring their play styles. Something as simple as playing a favorite game, or getting into a beloved cartoon along with them can help teach a child that there is nothing wrong with what makes them happy or how their brains experience the world.
- Describe Appropriate Behavior: When a child is doing something good, it helps if they know what value these actions have beyond making an authority figure happy. For example, complimenting them on playing with their toys quietly because it’s hard for others to work when things are loud puts the value on being considerate, not just out of everyone’s way.
- Enthusiasm: It’s so easy to forget that you are loved when you need to be taken care of and your presence sometimes causes trouble, and we’re far more sensitive to tensions in the household at that age than we might remember. More than anything else, children want to know that their caregivers want to be there with them and are thrilled to be in their lives.
Breaking The Cycle of Blindness
Were your parents a guiding light in your life, or did you just have company in the dark? When it comes to our foundational memories, it can be difficult to tell the difference between what was right, what we were told was right, and what we desperately wanted to be right. Certain things that seemed like they were for your own good may have just been what was convenient, and under scrutiny tough love often reveals itself as abuse. If we can’t be honest and see our childhoods for what they were, faults and all, then our attempts to guide others may just be perpetuating a cycle of blindness from one generation to the next.
As painful as it can be, it’s our responsibility to share not only our joy with this next generation, but our pain as well. It’s tempting to leave them in a state of ignorance about the struggles they’ll likely face, but when they are taught about things like prejudice and systemic failures, it leaves them less hopeless about their lives than if they were left to figure it out all by themselves.
A child without guidance wants nothing more than to leave childhood behind, because if the worlds of adolescents and adults are equally difficult to navigate, why not jump to the stage of life where you at least have some measure of control? One of the worst sins we can commit when educating the young is to paint their futures as either impossibly bright or hopelessly murky.
To give them the full picture, with subtlety and a gentle hand, takes real thought, patience, and a willingness to endure some of the most difficult conversations of your life. The reward for your dedication can be the one thing a good parent wants most of all: for their children to grow, love, and prosper in this world better than they ever could.
If you’re looking for a guiding light of your own to help you through the darkness, then we’ve got you!
Whether you’re a parent in need, or the offspring of one, just schedule an appointment with one of our therapists, or send a contact form to our administrative goddess, and brighter days may be ahead!
