With all the obstacles we focus our attention on avoiding every day, it’s easy to fall prey to one of the biggest threats to our happiness: the voice of our inner critic. Who hasn’t had the thrill of a well-earned victory spoiled by a cruel thought from the dark corners of their brain? Or prepared for an exciting project, only to hear the voice of a disapproving parent talk them into never starting at all?

Internalizing negativity is an unavoidable aspect of human life, and often escaping a bad situation and the people who made it that way is only half the work. Their voices follow us long after they are gone, turning our minds into haunted houses. Our best defense against these ghosts is to recognize that the inner critic is not an invading outside force, but a natural function of our thought processes, one we will always maintain some level of control over.

Far too often we are taught to either slavishly follow the critic or dismiss it entirely. I think this inner rival is whomever we want them to be, and ideally they can be a trusted window into our limitations instead of a disabling bully.

If we are to truly move past the people who made us feel like nothing, we must also be vigilant not to invent someone worse to fill that empty chair.

Introjects: Your best friend… or your worst enemy

Thankfully, a lot of people have dedicated their lives to investigating the voices that guide us through life. Psychologists call the process of unconsciously adopting the beliefs and attitudes of others “Introjection,” a defense mechanism triggered by a wide variety of things.

Like any defense mechanism, it has its place: as children we need to take in certain rules and social ques as gospel long before we’re capable of understanding their importance ourselves. Even as we grow older, it’s important to sometimes internalize what we’ve been told by those we trust, so their words can be there for us when they can’t.

The trick is telling the difference between the good introjections that build us up, and the bad introjections that tear us down.

• Good Introjection: “You’re our daughter, and that means there will always be someone who has your back.”
  • Bad Introjection: “No daughter of ours asks for help when she can’t do something herself.”

• Good Introjection: “If you don’t help your friend when he really needs it, you’re going to have trouble respecting yourself later.”
  • Bad Introjection: “If you don’t drop everything to help others when you see an opportunity, no one will want you around.”

• Good Introjection: “You don’t know everything, so if someone is passionate about a differing viewpoint you may want to listen.”
  • Bad Introjection: “If someone’s personality is bigger than yours, they probably know better than you.”

Too often we lose ourselves in disordered behavior because negative introjections butt in to crush our spirit, which leaves us disappointed in ourselves, giving the critic even more to criticize. This creates a terrible feedback loop, where the more we care about the outcome of something, the harder the critic tries to paralyze us into inaction. This is often mistaken for laziness, when it couldn’t be further from it!

Automatic Thought Records break down the voices inside

One tool for differentiating between good introjections and bad is to keep an “Automatic Thought Record.” As you might have guessed, automatic thoughts are the things that pop into your head unprompted. Sometimes they’re innocuous, and sometimes they provoke an emotional response, and we’re suddenly in a foul mood over an idea we had no choice in considering.

To get to the bottom of recurring automatic thoughts, the next time you feel a strong reaction to something on your mind, positive or negative, make a chart with the following four boxes:

• Situation

What was going on when the thought occurred?

• Thoughts

With the above taking place, what did your mind turn to when left to its own devices?

• Results

What was the emotional response this train of thought gave you, and did you respond with an action?

• Origins

What memories are tied to this thought? If it’s a statement, do you remember someone saying this to you in the past? Were they someone looking out for you, or did they mean you harm?

Once you have a few of these filled out, you might begin to notice patterns emerging. Some emotional thoughts lead to feelings of security and comfort, and others are just the pain of old wounds, still stinging after all these years.

5 Behaviors of a healthy inner critic

There is nothing we can do to silence the critic within us all. We can ignore them, we can drown them out, and we can choose to not take them seriously, but self-criticism is a function of the human mind we cannot opt out of. The beautiful thing about these minds of ours, though, is that their sharpest weapons can often become our most valuable tools.

The critic is here to stay, sure, but the critic also works for you, taking up real estate in a building you own. When you decide to direct them instead of destroy them, a healthy inner critic does the following:

• Lets you know when a task is beyond the scope of your expertise and may need to be delegated or canceled.

• Anticipates good faith criticisms others may make of your choices.

• Views your limitations as obstacles to work around, instead of character flaws deserving punishment.

• Holds you to the same standard you would hold others to.

• Will not let you get away with settling for less than what you deserve.

We cannot help introjections from becoming part of the soundtrack to our lives. Thankfully, what is within our power is deciding which voices we allow to define our story, and which we will relegate to background static.

Looking for help with the voices from your past?

Finding the wise voice among the chatter can be easier said than done. Thankfully, there are options such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) if techniques like the Automatic Thought Record work for you, and many clinicians use reparenting methods to help clients find the origins of their inner voices and move beyond them. If you are ready to start talking back, Empowered Connections has got you! Make an appointment yourself here or send us a contact form, and our administrative goddess can connect you with a voice that will listen!