aka Why Your Teen is a Pain Right Now!
Are you right in the thick of a teenage tsunami? Oof, been there and it’s rough!! The attitude, the eye-rolling, the slamming of the doors, one-syllable answers, you know, all the ways our teens keep us at arm’s length! Whew, it’s rough seas out there some days!
There are obvious physical changes that teenagers undergo before our eyes. Meanwhile, the teen brain is also going through transformations. All of this adds up to teenagers sometimes appearing like an entirely different species. Simply put, teens’ brains are different, and all the physical changes only add to the confusion.
This is not an insult or judgment. Rather, it’s a crucial observation that can very much guide parents as they do their best to support their children. Teenagers, in the midst of these massive cognitive changes, go through some big challenges. As parents, part of your task is recognizing the challenges and the potential red flags.
While each child develops at their own rate, there are some general realities to keep in mind. The brain, in all its complexity, doesn’t mature all at once. For example, the amygdala tends to get a big jump on the prefrontal cortex. What does this mean in practical, everyday terms?
- The mature amygdala is what can trigger our fight-or-flight response. It examines input to assess what might or might not be a threat. If a risk is detected, your mind and body go into high alert mode.
- Meanwhile, a mature prefrontal cortex is what regulates our impulse control, moods, and abstract thinking. Thus, when a teenager’s amygdala gets even a hint of danger, there’s no built-in safety valve to offer a second opinion.
- This combination can directly cause so much of what we recognize as “normal” teenage behavior, e.g., moodiness, aggressive outbursts, impulsivity, and disproportionate reactions.
Without awareness from a parent or caretaker, this neurological mismatch can have tragic outcomes. Teenagers may engage in risky choices like drunk driving or unsafe sex because their wiring is not yet complete.
I like to use the example of your TV that has a blue-ray player or a game console next to it that isn’t plugged into the TV, so it won’t show a picture on the TV screen when you turn the console on. It’s kinda like a teenager’s brain: they have all the components, but they’re not connected so you can’t expect them to know how to do the things that you as an adult, can do.
Innumerable factors influence everyone’s development. So, before you chalk up every bad move your child makes to biology, it’s important to consider other variables in their life — including their sleep patterns, social life, and your own influence. Since some mental illnesses emerge during our teen years, it is critical to find the right balance of supporting your child while giving them enough room to learn on their own.
How you can help:
- Don’t overreact! As a matter of fact, try not to react at all to some of the stupid shit they do! Taking a deep breath and some reframing your thoughts will come in handy right here.
- With this in mind, you can be super helpful by guiding them to slow down when making important decisions. Teens even though they’re way savvier and more aware of their emotions, still could use some affirming and labeling of what they could be doing through. A good example would be “it seems that you are really angry that your biology teacher isn’t answering your question in class, I would be angry too. What could you do next to talk to them?” Then you can brainstorm ways she can catch the teacher after class, etc.
- Labeling their possible emotion and then moving into solution-creating is a great way to calm them down and help them feel affirmed and have an action plan. Win win!
- Parents: if you can learn how to regulate your emotions when confronted with a teen child acting out, this can be a game changer. If you stay calm, it can go a long way in keeping your teen calm — or, at least, calm-ish. Because even with a still-developing brain, a teenager most certainly can learn valuable skills like patience and emotional regulation, especially through modeling by the most important person in their life: YOU!
- Another part of not overreacting involves the monitoring of your child’s behavior. Using a blend of self-awareness and self-education, you can become quite adept at discernment. The occasional outburst or poor decision is not automatically a sign of trouble. Keep a close eye on their habits in the realm of sleeping, eating, physical activity, schoolwork, and socializing.
Raising a teenager is not a simple task; it could be one of the hardest things you embark on. There is no shame in needing help, we’ve got you! Most of our therapists are well-versed in teen speak and can offer you support and tips to help you navigate this tough period. You can self-schedule here, email our amazing Administrative Goddess at hello@empoweredconnections.net or give us a buzz at 301-690-0779. We look forward to helping you or your teen!
